Anxiety

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New Year

Hi people of the internet,

So its New Years Eve (right now but by the time I post it could be June who knows) and I’m going to do one of those reflections.

Don’t Tell Me I Can’t Cause Then I Will

Last year I really liked the whisper app where you can anonymously share whatever you want to either the whole app or certain communities and on New Years Eve I posted “Here’s to 2017 being a better year for everyone.  No matter h[o]w  2016 was for you [,] make this year even better.” There was a character limit so the more detailed version would be: No matter what kind of year you just had weather it was your best, your worst, or just another year now is a great time to make it better.  The response I got said “Every post ever about the previous year” and I thought about that a lot.  I think the difference is that I meant it and I made 2017 personally my best year.  It is NOT going to magically be a great year YOU need to change something.  And I did.  2017 personally (don’t tell me about the shit that happened in the world I know and that sucked but my personal life only) was one of my best years and heres why:

-I came out as bi and then pan to all of my friends

-I came out as LGBTQ+ to my school

-I got a few therapy sessions for my anxiety

-I accepted my (many) mental health issues

-I became (slightly) less depressed

-I did not attempt suicide

-I made a bunch of new friends

-My parents know and (kinda) help with my anxiety

-I got into broadway

Of course there were many bad parts of the year as well

-I got into broadway

-I had to write to my senators more then once

-I developed anorexia (?)

-My anxiety got worse

 

ANYWAY

sorry its so late ive had A WEEK but anyway I am going to try to post more often this year.

-Pegasus Girl ❤

Dear Evan Hansen

I saw Dear Evan Hansen Sunday and it was AMAZING!!

This musical perfectly represented how I feel at some points and I have at some point related to each one of the characters.  I saw it with the original cast except that Evan was played by Colton Ryan instead of Ben Platt and he was great.  We stayed after to stagedoor and I got signatures from Colton Ryan, Kristolyn Lloyd, and Micheal Park.  (Extreme Fangirling Coming Up)  When Colton was signing my playbill he messed up the signature and goes “Its ok its very unique” and I freaked out and started crying.  I was really sad that Mike Faist, Will Roland, and Laura Dreyfuss and everyone else didn’t come out.  I was shaking with excitement all day and now that its over i’ve just been so sad that i’m not there anymore.

Anyway about the actual play:

The basic plot (without spoilers) is:

Conner was a pretty bad person and bullied Evan and everyone else and school. Evan has social anxiety and has no friends.  Connor signs Evans cast but later finds a letter that Evan had written to himself and sees that Zoe, his sister, was mentioned.  Connor takes the letter and later that day he kills himself.  His parents find the letter and assume that Connor wrote it to Evan and think they were friends.  Evan doesn’t want to tell them the truth about Connor so he goes with the lie.  He ends up creating a whole friendship between them and starts a fundraiser in Connors name.  He and Zoe end up dating and Evan starts to become part of the Murphy family and leaves his mom alone.  He ends up coming clean at the end after Connor’s “suicide note” was published.

 

This show has so many important messages in it, some that are very obvious and some are only visible if you have been through these experiences.  It is so great at getting the point across

 

SPOILERS AHEAD…

 

Evan broke his arm falling out of a tree but near the end he talks to “Connor” and they start screaming at each other and it ends with “Connor” saying “did you fall or did you let go?” and it turns out that he tried to kill himself.

Evan was in denial and kept telling himself that it was an accident and didn’t even realize he was lying.  This is one of the things that are impossible to understand unless you have gone through it.   I completely forgot about my own suicide attempt for about 5 months and when it came back I was destroyed from the memory.  They also show how hard it was for Evan to tell his mom and he never says it out loud; only saying “I’m sorry”  I have told two of my friends but only through letters and I cannot say it out loud and probably will not for a very long time if ever.

IF YOU EVER EVER FEEL ANYTHING LIKE THIS PLEASE REACH OUT TO SOMEONE.  It could be a friend, a teacher, a family member, a suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255), or even me.  You can email me at Pegasusgirl2003@gmail.com or dm me on instagram @pegasusgirlblog.  I love you all

-Pegasus Girl ❤

1-800-273-8255

Though it might seem like forever

Its not

Though it may seem impossible

Its not

It may seem clever

Its not

It might seem like sneaking out is possible

Its not

You may think nobody would miss you

They would

You may think you don’t matter

You do

It might seem hard to break through

It is

You may want to shatter

But don’t

Someone is there for you

I am there for you

They are there for you

1-800-273-8255

So talk, text, or call

Because

I care if you are here

 

Inspired by Logic, Alessia Cara, and Khalid

If you ever need to talk I am always here to email (pegasusgirl2003@gmail.com) or dm(@pegasusgirlblog on insta) (@pegasusgirl2003 on twitter) or call 18002738255 which is the suicide hotline.

Here’s the link to the video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb24RrHIbFk

And another video I love https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBUMugqDRHg

 

What is life worth

I sit in school for eight hours everyday

I go to dance practice for two hours

I come home

I eat

I do homework for four

My life has no value

Except for the numbers that define me

64, 79, 82, 100, 92, 24, 89, 87

And the letters that set my future in stone

F, D, C+,B,B+,A, A-,A+

I write for projects and hear that

It does not rhyme or have alliteration

But they don’t see my point

Because I forgot to

Double space

Times New Roman

Twelve Point Font

-Pegasus Girl ❤